Who am I?

Hello my dear friends,

Shocking, yes another blog so close to the other.  I apologize but when I have a really good topic, I like to share what I think.  Because we all know, what I think is very important.  All kidding aside, my young adults came home from "youth group" the other day.  It is a group of people who come together and hang out once a week and share a meal.  Very nice and I love going and hanging out with my good friend Ruth Ann and the young people (yes we are also young).  I found this challenge to them the next day.  They were asked to describe in 100 words who they were before they came to Christ, what led them to Christ, and who they are now because of Christ.  So, and this is how incredibly different my two young offspring are, Sean had a ready answer.  He is a young man of little words and it is always a challenge for him to use as little words as he can (much to the chagrin of his teacher and his boss at Winding Trails).  So his answer was "I am a Christian".  Yeah, I know!  I really can't do anything about this anymore.  Believe me I have tried and failed!  Miserably!   But that is quite all right, I have a daughter.  She set out the next day to describe this and she used some of Sean's words.  Tom proceeded to "use up" the rest of Sean's words.  Very funny.  So I got the idea:  this will be a nice blog.  Ha, so here we are.  You are not getting away that easy, since I will use more than 100 words (possibly, quite possibly).  This is a total tangent but I was just reading (yes, Tom was working hard next to me while I was reading) a book about the war of 1812, a very stupid war.  What struck me was the wealth of words the people used back then.  The English language was so beautiful.  Now we use words like yeah, and nope.  Ugh!  End of tangent back to what I want to say.  You comfy?  Cozy?  (See, what kind of word is comfy I ask you).  I should say: please, my dear friends, take a very comfortable position upon your seat and have a sip of your tea.  (Better!)

 Who was I before Christ?  I was a little girl in a pretty dark place.  I had fear, anger, disappointment, pride, and other junk in my heart.  At times that was all I could focus on and the fear was the most dominant of the three.  I wanted nothing more to be free of these but I didn't know how to get rid of them.  So I found a way.  I would become the most funny, happy person I could possibly become.  I would make being happy my god.  I would make jokes and pretend I was doing just great.  It worked like a charm, but on the inside, there was still that horrible, ever encompassing fear, anger and disappointment.  It crept into all my relationships.  On the outside was this happy go lucky person. (I have reached my 100 words, sorry, keep on reading).  My insides were lonely and dead.  Fear was my constant companion.  And a healthy dose of self condemnation went along with it.  Ohh yes, I was good at putting myself down.  If I put myself down, others couldn't do it for me.  I lived these two identities.  The outside, happy go lucky and the dark side of me (Luke, join the dark side, we have cookies).

My parents never forced any "religious" activity upon me and for that I am so thankful.  I was a pretty young girl when God introduced Himself to my heart.  At night I would cling to Him when I just didn't like the way my life was turning out to be (whose life is perfect at age 9?).  But He never mentioned His Son.  It was a long time until I met Him.  I was about 42 years old when He finally introduced Himself personally.  At this point I had again spent some time with the Father and was looking into this relationship thing.  I was again striving to get to know the Son through my own intelligence, my own viewpoint.  I was "working" so hard to find this Christ, the living God.  I knew I was a better person for knowing Him.  Already He was working in my heart and the first thing we cleaned out was my atrocious language.  I was swearing like a sailor (hey, I was a sailor's daughter and proud of it).  The fear and self doubt had lodged itself really good, though.  I was doing everything I could to be a "good Christian".  Again, the outward picture was me going to church and having kids who were "good Christians".  At that point we had left our first church, much to my distress, and we were going with my wonderful friend Donna to her church.  Tom had just left for Iraq and so I was dealing with that when one night I had just had it.  I was in my room, totally exhausted.  I could not keep up with all the demands of a "religious" life.  I could not keep the fear out, the tongue (don't even get me started with that), and my thoughts.... atrocious!  I was so angry at God for taking Tom away from me for a time being, and making me exactly what I had worked so hard never to be; a single parent.  I was spinning my wheels so fast I couldn't keep up with myself and I had had it.  What in the world did God want from me?  I couldn't even keep a single day (the Sabbath) separated for God!  It took too much energy and effort.  So I was pouring out this stuff to God in my room.  I remember it to this day and I hope I will never forget what happened.  I had been reading a wonderful book by Stacy Eldridge and her husband.  So my heart was open to where Christ wanted me.  He was able to make contact with me.  It wasn't a booming voice in my room.  The house didn't shake.  There was a presence in my room, and in my heart.  A voice, very gently voice, told me that I was looking for answers in the wrong places.  It wasn't about observing one day, it wasn't about making the right outward decisions and looking good.  It was all about Christ.  He was my Sabbath, He was my husband, the father for my children, the one I was to seek, the one who would take care of me in the storm of life.  An incredible peace came to me.  I felt like I could let go and allow someone else to take the reins of my life.  It was a very comforting thought.

Who am I now because of Christ?  I am a new creation, a better person, and free person.  Not because of the things I have done, but because I have someone doing these things for me.  If I were to take ahold of a situation and try to manipulate things the way I want them to go, we would have a disaster.  If I let go, and allow the one who created me to deal with the situation, we have success.  He has taken my fear, my self doubt and turned it into something like joy, peace, long suffering.  There are moments when I take the reins out of His hands and we have fear, doubt..... same old same old.  These moments are far and between these days.  I am a whole person with Him.  Apart from Him, I am my bad old self.  Happy on the outside, fearful, prideful, self doubting on the inside.  I don't know about you, I prefer the new me.  Because of Christ I now have real joy.  I have felt that  love, contentment spill out of me and overflow me so that I can't help but being happy.  It doesn't take work on my part.  It takes Christ's hand on my life, and my willingness to let Him lead me.  I am part of His bride, and I am called His beloved.  And that is why I know there is a God, and a Savior.

How about you?